The room that I am locked into is dark. There are no windows, there are no lights. There is just me. Me and a sad song stuck on repeat, it’s the only one I know. It gives me as much comfort as it gives me pain. I feel like I am a fountain because the tears just won’t stop pouring. Or am I a weeping willow?
I can’t help thinking that when the going gets rough, I always end up on my own. You’ve left me alone and crying when I was “the girl”, like a discarded item in a wastebin, used, dispensable and disgusting. I should be used to the feeling by now but it still brings me down.
Did you ever actually regard me as something that posesses a soul?
My thoughts are a spinning wheel, just turning around in circles and turning against me. You have taught me to become my own worst enemy. I am crying silent tears of regret and bitterness. It’s over. Over over over, the spinning wheel echoes. OUR past turned into my present, I cannot shake it off. My body turns every disease into a remedy and this last remedy will be my death. A remedy against what has been and never ceases to haunt me during every waking moment and even in my sleep.
I would like to call you. Just to hear your voice. I am longing to take everything away from you. Everything you have. Your dignity. The ones you love, assuming you’ve ever loved anyone. I want you to be broken, just like I am. I want to torture you like you tortured me. You will have to bleed, but I am not going to let you die, you’re not getting away that easily. I want you to survive just so you’ll feel the full extent of pain and get to cherish every second of it. I want you to remember it.
Maybe then you’ll know what it feels like to lose everything you have ever had, like the past and future I never had, because you turned my body into a weapon that is designed to self-destruct.
Now I am not referring to your posessions because WE were never rich. I am talking about your soul. I am talking about leaving you damaged goods just like you’ve left me.
I wonder if you ever felt the shame. If you ever even felt. I am sure that you were well aware that what you did was wrong. Did you get thrills from tasting the forbidden fruit?
I am dropping that bottle of red wine on the floor because I forgot that I don’t drink. I am imagining it is your blood that is spilling all over the floor now. I take a second just to think of the mess and who will have to clean it up once I’m gone.
Over over over. I want to dedicate this last breath to you, even if you don’t deserve it. I could have made it big. Instead, you’ve made me a nutcase, a maniac, someone who will be dependent on pills for their entire life. The broken fragments of my soul are surrounding me like the broken shards of the bottle. I am now sacrificing my blood for yours because I can’t go on.
I bet everyone called you Goody Two-Shoes when you were in jail. Did you ever wonder what became of me? What my life turned out to be like? I’ve spent years at the orphanage, thanks to you. Was I doing well? I went through hell there. Did I ever make it big? I got suspended from high school for starting a fist fight. You taught me a lesson in violence, didn’t you? Now don’t be modest, we both know that you did. Now there is no need to blush or is it the wine that reddens your cheeks? I realise you’re not actually here and the wine’s spilt all over the floor.
How am I doing now? How thoughtful of you to ask, thanks. I am living, but not for very much longer. I am feeling the urge to sleep. Did you see those sleeping pills next to me? You couldn’t see them, because they’re gone. I swallowed them all and when I did, I thought of you. I stopped sleeping because of you. You see, you’ve made me scared of dreaming. I am desperate, hysterical. Do you know what it feels like to lie awake every night? Maybe I am giving you too much credit, but you have been a part of me for the longest time. Now I want you gone, gone! I realize that I can’t kill you without killing myself. My mind’s getting blurry and I feel myself slipping away. Famous last words?
I’ve made a mistake, I don’t want to die. Not because of you and what you’ve done to me. All I want is to start all over and somebody who will listen, even if they can’t understand. The record plays a bittersweet symphony. It’s over.Over.